Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in a studio in Cardiff with Mr. Chris Corcoran.

Rhod Gilbert, live on BBC Radio Wales. Ladies and gentlemen, quarter past eleven on Saturday, 8th of June, 2013 / sun is definitely out / It's a scorcher. It's hotter than Ibiza / somebody said / what have we got against Ibiza? I don't know. / so competitive about / Ibiza / all of a sudden / you / Ibiza / only 15 degrees / what / done / Ibiza / bragging, aren't they? / Are they? / bragging about how hot it is / never / in / paper, "Hey / look at what it is / take this!" ... Have you? They / quietly / I've never seen them once brag about being hotter than __ / Yeah, but inside, / c__y about it. / ... I don't think / relaxed __ tanned / flip flop there / Do__ you think? / Yeah. __ __ __ naturally sun-b__ed / relaxing / oily ... lovely. ... Anyway, that's that sorted ... before ... before that __ ... before __ __ start to get erotic, I will nip it right there in its ... its oily bud. Now then, anyway, so, we're hotter than Ibiza / anyone in I__ listening, listen, most of the time, you've got __ __ over there, right? Just allow us one day to be hotter than you ... innit? / Yeah. / Don't ... Britain is still broken. / Come on, you're all ... all oily. __ __ __ __ yourself / till 2020, the papers say today. So, you know, / Yeah. ... Osborne's really nailing this. He's ... he's ... he's all over this. / I was concerned about it at start, but not any more. ... not / now / till 2020. / You've gotta / man / credit / __ __ __ is due, Osborne. / Well done. / Well done. / We were wrong. / Not abuse of the BBC, ladies and gentlemen. Just abuse of uh ... of uh ... / __ __ in oil / not ... not even __s / abuse / to be honest / shouting __. Uh, anyway, my play list was made up when the weather wasn't so good. You know. Some of these / perfectly good / Hello Sunshine, __ __ / that is a perfect, uh ... / good weather song. / Hmm. / Small Town Boy, __ __ __ lyrics, but, musically ... / Yeah. Upbeat. / Upbeat. / Yeah. That's / down the roof / convertible / who are you __ __ talking loud and clear / there you are / good s__y stuff / rock solid / Girls and Boys, Blur. ... Good summery stuff / punk / probably, just ... there was a couple on here, / Yeah, / there are a couple on the play list here / mind / bear in mind when you send in your request / this is BBC Radio Wales, and the record collection is incredibly limited. / Like, Katrina and the Waves / Walking on Sunshine, for example. / For example / really / that's one of four songs they've got. / Yeah. / Yeah. So ... by all means, suggest that, even / Korkey / semi-suggested it / yeah, yeah / don't / if you suggest that, honestly, their little faces will light up in the production room / records we've got here is about the size of ... you know when / used to have / before, uh, mp3s and everything / you / a walkman ... a ... a CD Discman, / Huh / or Sony Diskman, or whatever they were called, and / used to / take about 3 CDs around with you / yeah / that's what it's like / BBC Wales / 's true / that's what it's like. ... Do you know / I had one of those nicked once / BBC Wales / I was / P__ Bar in __ L__ Square / available / Cambridge Circus. I can't remember. One of the two. / Huh huh. / Uh ... and I was at the bar, ... having a "night out", which is our new euphemism. / Yes / two weeks / I / a night out. / Huh huh, / Uh ... standing by the bar ... / __ you __ a good night out? / I was having a good night out. Uh ... standing by the bar with a friend / a man bag / back / around a while / you __ ahead of the game / bag / this is ... this is / about ninety ... / way before I was doing comedy or anything. This __ about / n't surprise me / Maybe 2000 / very m__-s__ / 98 / I was there with my __ bag. In it was a Discman, / Yeah? / so / portable compact disc player, for those of you too yong to remember it / 若者のために説明すると、カセットのウォークマンと今の mp3 プレーヤーの中間に、CD を聴くためのディスクマンというものが存在した。 / compact discs are round silvery things / all of / in between ... in between the ... uh ... portable casette player, the Walkman, and the mp3 player, there was a Discman / around for a while / portable / little square version of CDs / 若者のために説明しますと、カセットというのは CD の四角いやつです。/ I'd about seven CDs in my bag, and I can remember what they were. There w__ a couple of Radio Heads / OASIS / the time / Good. / so / what year was that? / what's the story / morning glory / anyway, somebody ... somebody in that pub __ __ __ __ with them / but / is now, 13 years later __ __ __ probably too late. / Might be a bit late. / Um ... I should've / on the night / you should have / moment / that was the moment / that was the moment / happen / do you know what happened? / properly shocked / you? / I was in shock / I / night out __ __ __ part of the problem. ... Anyway, somebody / through my bag, stole my Walkman ... Discman ... stole my compact disc player from it ... / Yeah? / ... but took out the CD that was in it ... and put it back in my bag. / Good grief. / Also went through my other CDs in my bag ... / Yeah? / left some on __ table in the pub / that is a cheaky thief / cheaky thief / who, not only ... not only A: takes the time to / __rammage__ / in the pub / decide which one / which ones / also goes to the trouble of looking / want it / steal the compact disc player / but / take / disc / out and leave that. / Yeah. That's / wrong tone for thief / 泥棒の風上にも置けない / I'd like to hear from you, you know ... just would be interesting / that's a nice feature for the show / who / in your life?" ... That's a nice feature / jot that ... can you jot that down, Korkey? / who you / not / who / one little go / spinning ball / I'm talking about life / not the Earth / Korkey / some sort ... / some sort of stocking fella / yeah / one go on this Earth / people that you have fleeting serendipitous encounters with / Yeah. That's a great feature. / Isn't it? / Huh. Serendipitous. ... / fleeting ... / that is / can I just point out / ever been spoken on Radio Wales. / I probably said it before. I like it. / Oh. Do you reckon? / Yeah. / I take that back. / Yeah. I / said __ before / second / fleeting s__ encounters, right? Or even ... sometimes, when people / you haven't met them / who stole the ... I would like ... before I go .. / Huh huh. / right? __ __ __ today / dying ... right? / 死ぬ前に / probably not for today ... but I would like to ... to have a little bit of chat with that person / hey, I was in / in comedy / do you know / comedy then / maybe / who I am / would have known / stolen in that pub / my / through / insultingly left some of them behind / I'd love to have a little chat with that person. I know ... I wouldn't call / go / bygones __ be bygones / that's all in the past, mate. Good luck, mate / ask / back? / ironic joke / have you still got it? __ __ __ still use it? / そこで、まだ使ってんのかよ、って言う？ / I'd ask him, yeah. ... But it would be nice / that little fleeting encounters / never / had / I'd like to chat / who would you like / to me / chat with / somebody / impact on your life / met / a little bit / great feature / far too complicated feature for BBC Radio Wales, though. / hard / hard feature. It's more hard than masking tape ... uh ... g__ / our second feature is, which __ you prefer, / socks __ __ plain, or socks __ __ pattern on them? / お題２: 無地の靴下と柄の靴下、どっちが好き？

now / it's Rhod Gilbert, live on BBC Radio Wales. I think I will read out a couple of emails that came in / week / do you know why? / Why? / because ... because ... they ... they .... people are still sending them in on sleep ... on sleep. I'm not surprised because it was an amusing email, that sparked off the whole, uh, dream things. ... You wake up in __ sleep __ __ ... a few weeks ago, somebody woke in / night / husband / gentle round of applause in his sleep. / Yeah. I remember. / Um ... she woke __ up ... she was woken up by his gentle polite applause that he was fast asleep giving / and / keep coming in ... keep coming in on, uh, sleep. Look at this. Uh ... "Hi, Rhod. This should probably be / by now / keep / dreams, I thought / let / my weird ones. On holiday / last year / my girlfriend shouting at me whilst I was in the act of pulling the sofa across the living room." So, you was fast asleep, pulling a sofa across the living room / so, he was sleeping remover man? / It's dangerous, innit? So scary __ __ could do / I'm ... I'm genuinely, quite ... / the more emails / inciden__ since? / thing I worry about most is hitting someone / Yeah? / rushing out because / in a fight or being attacked or something / rush / kick / punch / I'm terrified. ... Is there some kind of restraining thing you can get? / Yeah. Ropes. / Yeah, some ... something a bit ... I don't know, a bit less dramatic than ropes, maybe / String? / String ... probably, uh ... more effective than string, less dramatic than rope. / Rubber bands / I know. Washing line. / Yeah. / Fine. / Sellotape. / Yeah. Uh ... I do ... I genuinely __ __ __ __ restraining device. Honestly / woken up by my girlfriend / shouting at me because I / across the bedroom in my sleep. I got it about three feet across the room / I was trying to fit it through the kitchen door / in order to barricade us in against the wizard / I / end of the garden." / So, he knew, then? / __ __ yeah __ in his sleep / knew what'__ going on, yeah / remember / woke up / when he woke up? / I ... she woke him up right at the moment, I suppose __ ... / Yeah, yeah. / "Wake up. What are you doing?" / still in the moment / hang on / in fairness / I'm not sure, having seen, uh, Lord of the Rings, how effective sofas are in repelling wizards / Well, he was asleep. He wasn't thinking logically / panicking / useless / Huh. / need some sort of spell / not a sofa / but / fast asleep in the middle of the night ... in a cottage / holiday cottage, not even __ home / point / don't get me wrong / his best / bolt up right in bed ...", he says, "... shook her awake and said "How's your bucket?" before lying back down / to sleep / random / here's another one. "Hey Rhod and whoever you have in / today?" So rude / this was sent __ __ __ week. ... "I've got a dream story. My girlfriend, about a month ago, __ shaking in bed quite aggressively, ... / Huh huh. / ... and I genuinely thought she was having an attack of some sort. So I started to panic. She stopped suddenly, sat up as though she was possessed, ... / Yeah / ... turned to me, smacked me in the face, and then very softly whispered, "Quidditch". / ... Wow. / "... I spoke to her in the morning. She said she was dreaming ... dreaming about playing Quidditch and she was a beater." / Huh, yeah, yeah. / that's not / rule / position __ __ game / after / Golden S__." ... I'm afraid ... I'm afraid you've lost me. I don't know anything about Harry Potter. What is __ good / know this, Korkey. You are / you are one of those adults who read / like / you're allowed to block the defenders running towards the guy with the ball / yeah / __ __ same principle in Quidditch. The beaters are / allowed to beat the blockers / the guy / one guy / golden s__ / Oh, god. I hate Harry Potter. Sorry. / __ __ __ __ American football / I can't bear it. I don't hate American football. Just hate Harry Potter. I can't bear it. ... __ golden s__

All the big stories / Marks & Spencer / has unveiled a new apple the size of a golf ball / well done / first / Sun just now. So, you know, / credit __ all for that. / did he say why? / do say why / why / because, apparently, moms and dads and those responsible with filling childen's lunch boxes, can't get apples in them. / Wow. / So, uh ... so, a genetically modified new breed of apple has been created." Personally, I'd __ __ bigger sandwich box / cling film / put in a bag / or cut it up / come up with / a bite-size fruit named __ __ / Huh, that's a great name / good, innit? / kids / eat more fruit / more apples, I imagine, but there we are / so, instead of wrapping / they've created a whole new kind of fruit rather than just make sandwich boxes quarter of an inch higher. / Yeah / That's why __ ... / mother nature's delicate balance of genes instead of using a bit of tin foil / Yeah. / Fair enough. / apple / says here. look, before we get sued, "Baby apples / not genetically modified. / OK. / only discovered last year in New Zealand." How / discover an apple in New Zealand last year? / How ... you'd have to be really forensic in your study of trees. / but / how have we missed / how long / around / New Zealand / people have been around / long time in New Zealand / ages / I've been there. / 俺だって行ったことある / ... I saw / oldest people I saw / mid-80's / yeah / years old / probably / parents who knows __ __ __ and they'd never seen one of these apples before? / Amazing. / I mean, they must have been on the trees. How could you not have noticed / you've got baby apple trees growing? / maybe / really really really small. / __, but ... / hope / start growing them in the UK next / import / already / lemon / mini pears, tangerines / what's the point of a mini lemon now / lunch boxes ... unless you are really cool parents / what is the point / Point ... pointless. / I / always / perfectly fine / maybe / drinks / cut into halves / still / whole lemon in your drink / you would have to do one less cut / Huh, that is true. / wouldn't you? / so much time / that is a convenience factor. / that is / I'm a busy man. / Well, / I haven't got time to / if you slice into a lemon / then / slice / again / separate incision / yeah / to get / drink / not any more / No. / not any more. One cise down / boom / aesthetically, a circle / semi-circle / as well / I'm not sure / I'd rather / slice / let me think about it / never / floating / e__ly very nice. / Um ... / ... I don't think. / No. Circular slice. / Huh. / A circular slice ... isn't it more e__y pleasing / circle / wedge is / Anyway ... / wedge / if we are not careful, the phone's gonna start ringing off the wall 'cause this is the kind of feature / BBC / bananas on / ... Don't bring bananas / just ... Right? / enough on the plate already.

What's the most / aesthetically pleasing? / half a lemon ... half a mini lemon / bobbing / half / half a mini lemon / circle / still / slice / slice / just give you / chance / circle / in your glass / Well, that's ... that's not gonna be. If you / you can't / without making two cuts. / Yes, you can. / How? / Because, if you cut off / an end / use / end / that's ... that's one cut. / Yeah. / now you've got ... now you've got / 99% / left / end / dispense with the end / put it in the / what are you on about? / that case / any time / if you've got a big lemon, / Yeah? / cut off the end / off / cut / about it / I don't / I __ __ explain to you calmly and rationally why I don't / my interest / minimum / what / here's a lemon, right? / making a shape of lemon / index / sort of, eye-shaped / lemon-shaped, eye-shaped thing. Right. / OK. / What you do / take / cut down into / in the middle of it / another / take / put in your drink. That is two cuts / one slice, boom! in drink / I don't understand. Can you explain again? / Right ... right ... Uh ... oh, god, this is a terrible lemon / picture of / lemon / cut one / inside / put your knife down / half way / this is hila(rious) ... I wish / on telly / weirdo / down there / you have a wedge / a pizza-shaped / wedge of lemon / two cuts / lemon / What a lot of nonsense. Right. Wait. / I know what you're saying / end off first / just / time / unnecessary, time-consuming ... / such nonsense in my life. What / wedge / no one has / ... Of course they do. / slice / It's perfectly reasonable to have a little wedge / more of / less of / wedge / whole / genetically modified lemon to make make them smaller / save time / that's the whole point. No one saves time cutting wedges / an / too much / OK / I'm sure / everyone at home is thinking, A: Shut up. ... but B: if they're engaging with this at all, which, I imagine, they're not / simply / your nonsense / I imagine / simply, like me, feeling irritated beyond belief. / Yeah, but that's because you know you are wrong / prove / if they have, to any degree, / drawing / ... Wait a minute / people / thinking / if you've got a big lemon / and a small lemon / yeah, / if / go / about / end of of the lemon / first / yeah / then there is no time saving between / Buzzzz. Wrong / OK / where is ... you reckon / one less cut / smaller lemon / go on / it is very very obvious / is it? / right / I have got a whole diagram ... around a lemon / there's a lemon / yeah / OK? / Yeah. / what I'm suggesting / slice / end / normal circumstances / a bar person would __ ... aspire to have / thin slice of lemon / cut in half / semi-circle / Yeah, OK. / OK? / I__ go / along / no one / understand / the idea is / cut off the end of that lemon / now, once you've / end of that lemon off / Yeah / if you / mini / circles / got one slice, whereas / what a shame, ladies and gentlemen. / What a shame, ladies and gentlemen / that music means that / news / weather / we / pick this up after the news / what a shame / quite get to the end of, uh, Korkey's lemon thesis.

reach / things I found during the news / in the newspapers. Look at this / Now, is this a good idea? "A __ firm in Switzerland is renting / replica cop cars." Would you / rent / replica / leave outside / to deter burglers? / Oh. That's a brilliant idea. / Is it? / ... Yeah. Why isn't that a brilliant idea? / I don't know. / ... It's a bit __ __ scarecrow principle / for many years / I suppose ... I suppose you / street / lined with cop cars ... replica ones ... / Well, if you have even just one cop car in the street ... that / car / that / make / difference / shed once. / すごそこにパトカーが停まってるのに泥棒に入られたぞ / Well, / was / keep moving / cop / No, you can't. ... I think that's a great idea / I don't know / shady / shady / you don't wanna ... you don't wanna / situation / cop car, do you? You don't want to bump into a policeman / surely / I don't know / difference between / cops / turn up / burgled / well, that's / cops / very confusing, innit? / そこで本物の警察を呼んだとしよう。警察が到着したとき、すでにそこにパトカーがあったらどう思う？「おや、もうすでに来ていたのか。だったらオレは帰るとしよう。」 / complication / Yeah. Maybe / Do you know what I mean? / street / everyone / street / Well, yeah. / Imagine / come out / oh, god / which one is it / just / car / be complicated / press the alarm thing / be fine / Yeah. / I just / cop car theory / why not / make all cars cop cars? / Yeah? / ... instead of / all car available for sale are / cop cars / buy / all of / and drive around in cop cars / it / stop theft / I think that / be / great place to live / cop / everyone ... everyone / cop car / everyone ... everyone / nobody knows / real cop / all right, OK / oh / that to me / wasted three minutes __ my life / siren / just / the shops / that's a different b__ / I'm not sure you would. I think ... I don't think / scenario / replica cop car / lights __ siren / as well / how / uniform __ __ badge / cops ... all of us / police / way forward / safer world / if / leave it at that / let's / too ridiculous / available for sale, for rent / every taxi is a cop car / you're right / road because / be speeding / police / unless they're dressed in uniform. / ... Yeah, but / see one on of those / like / cop / slow / close / see what it is / true / still work / most people do / not / as you know, Korkey, I don't condon fast driving. I / slowest / third gear / サードギヤに入れたことないし / never / and I drive automatic. / オートマだからな / I wonder / speed / issue would be / think / film in this / like a zombie / cop car / Yeah / safer / cop car? / ... That's good feature / done / renting / I suppose, you know, / not entirely __ous / about / pointless. / Maybe this is why / why / now / What? Chocolate-based? / missing / last week

Hi, Rhod / personally / socks / serious feature, C__. ... Um ... "personally / stripy socks odd / never / ever / I don't see / point / mini fruit / semi-circle / most pleasing / features / thanks / no / anyone I want to meet again. / Oh, brilliant / thanks for contributing on that / care / life / like to have / chance encounter ... somebody / difference / before you / there's no one I wanna meet again." Brilliant. Thanks, C__ / lemons / morning / makes it easier / little squeeze / I told you / Wow. / told you. ... / To be clear I / says / in Liverpool / Rhod and Korkey / I don't know much about socks / but / today I'm wearing / covered in shamrocks / really / something / no idea / talking about / IQ of / 137

Did you see in the paper yesterday that / the middle lane / no / hello / 100 / people / and various other ... various other ... sort of ... well, / right / you know / motoring / all / what ... what / should / hogging / the middle lane / I think / we probably shouldn't fine people / whole __ of other things / like, uh, you know / I can't remember / the middle lane / fine / I / it's a bit / draconian / quite often I think / if you're hogging a middle lane / and a police car comes / no idea what / highway patrol. I've got no idea / keep / eye / ever seen them / miles an hour / I've never / stop / any / contact with them. What / are you a traffic officer / highway patrol / let us know what it is you do. I've got no idea / OK / special voluntary police / doing / letter / showing people directions / voluntary / if you seriously / job description / driving up and down ... does it? / example / you wouldn't say / walking around / would it? / job description / other / you see / traffic officers / all I've seen them / frankly / be arrested. ... Why / you arrest them / traffic officer / pretending / arrest / supposed to be doing / I mean / logic / somebody else __ __ impersonate a policeman / Huh ... / different thing. ... I / way behind / Anyway, the point is __'re talking / things like that / I don't think / should / do you realize / characteristic of your driving / winds everyone / makes people / that's dangerous / put lives at risks / you are, basically ... I don't think / anything / great / a bit / two other / not on the ball / not difficult / fine people / goes, "Pull over !" / signs / middle lane / need / nothing worse / the most annoying thing on the motorway ... the most annoying thing on the motorway / somebody / always / anyone hogging the middle lane / let them know that / right? There's nothing / be angry / that's annoying / let me be angry / nothing / but B / always / without fail, / winds me more than anithing / yeah / end up going / myself / calling / I think / let alone / that moment / they should be pulled over / it out / in the inside lane / sort it out in the inside lane. ... The worst thing / worst possible scenario / you're driving along / somebody / pull / overtake them / and / not only that but / sign / should know / you think / drive straight past the sign / don't hog the middle lane / drive / not only / also / That ... is it. That is the / the worst possible scenario on the motorway

I like this one / every / police car / every car / only available / police cars / what / would / life be safer / more / crime / less crime. / You think / I think / every / know / reasonable __ __ assumption / Steven from __ / come up with / almost g__s / problem / "Hi / there / 全員がパトカーを使うことが社会を安全にするとは思えない。覆面パトカーがすぐバレるじゃないか。/ every / spot / police / a mile off / that is true / private / disadvantage / great / dispense with / "Dear Rhod / few / holiday / my husband, N__ / woke / around / light / fast / lid of / case / toilet / lots of these ones / sleep / call / stopped shouting / bathroom / I love this / said / a queue / classic

if / whole / saturday / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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